i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
