M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
