True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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