just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
