My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
