she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
