the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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