my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
