I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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