I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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