Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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