My sheets look like a crime scene.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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