I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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