i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
