my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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