Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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