In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
