we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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