I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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