you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
