The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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