I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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