Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
