Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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