If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize