sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
