Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
