This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
