I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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