Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
