jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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