So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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