I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
