we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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