The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
