why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
