Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
