She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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