Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
