I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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