Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
