I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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