My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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