Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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