I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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