So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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