Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
