im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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