I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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