Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
