dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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