i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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