Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
