mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
