Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
