Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
