Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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