so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
