All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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