i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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