We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
