Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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