The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
