Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
