Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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