Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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