My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
