so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
