I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He's on the porch naked. Help.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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