I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
