When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Two words: blizzard sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
